2. Have you ever had a religious experience? This doesn't have to relate to God or any known religion, it could be a feeling of transcendence, something 'other' to the material world that we inhabit, or it could be a feeling of being overwhelmed by the mystery and wonder of existence.
With every waking moment... what, are you saying that's not normal?
Yes, I suppose I have. What I find very difficult in explaining something like this though is an irritating awareness that what feels extremely profound to myself is at the same time, quite laughable to another. I've been made to feel pretty stupid in the past for being intoxicated by, y'know, when really I have nothing to be ashamed of - but nevertheless, I'm still occasionally hesitant in vocalising my own impression of the experience without toning it down. Nevertheless, when I do try to explain the truly bizarre, I struggle articulate properly, and though trying my hardest, I sometimes can't represent it properly, so I feel silly explaining. It's not half as bad as that sounds - like explaining an awesome dream, something's always lost in translation, but ah well, I'm the one who experienced it, and that's what matters.
Firstly, while under the influence of laughing gas (...I was at the dentist...), I had a truly wonderful time. My brain seems to insist that most of my experiences with N2O involve some interstellar travel - this is what I mean where things get lost in translation. It's very hard for me to take something like this seriously (and why would I? Getting blasted out the universe and thinking with a 56k dial-up modem brain is a funny concept), but at the time, it's the most awe-inspiring experience. However, that's not being blown away by the wonder of existence though, just blown away.
Secondly, while under the influence of chocolate cake (not entirely irrelevant), during our first group holiday to the west coast, Conor, Dave and I went wandering late at night. Now, this was perhaps the most perfect, and wonderfully Mediterranean weather I could hope to find in Scotland, and so the sky never really got dark, but the stars came out as full as they possibly could. It was beautiful. Truly remarkable. With absolutely no light pollution from the land, the stars shone easily, and most importantly, exhibited a proper sense of three dimensions in space - and resultantly, our relation to them and our own position in space.
And there it was: my cosmic angst. How entirely inconsequential we are in the grandest scale of things. This is a wonderful feeling, incredibly freeing. I don't remember what we particularly talked about that night, but I was certainly engulfed by thought. How selfish religions are in their persistence of believing humanity is so special. The sheer scale. The wonder of life elsewhere, or indeed, the wonder of no life elsewhere. Wow. WOW.
Considering that even now, I am utterly spellbound by the idea that we're coming toward the end of the naughties, and my brain is still in the process of dealing in multiples of decades (1999 was ten years ago... Holy shit, doesn't that blow you away?!), I have a sneaking suspicion I'll be thinking 'Holy shit! I'm 41, and I'm still wondering what I'll be when I grow up!'
By 41, assuming I've not been firing blanks, I'm fairly certain I will be a father, or trying to be one. It's a prospect that really interests me. Genetic experimentation - awesome. On many levels, it's such a shame that it's not acceptable for me to establish control and comparative studies without annoying the girlfriend/wife. I think I will be an awesome dad. I've always wondered whether my dad thought that about himself. There's one of the oddest relationships I'll ever have in my life. Hmm. Yeah, I'm going to be awesome at that particular role.I mentioned 'wife' earlier. Just to be clear - I'd prefer not to marry. Marriage is a silly prospect with all its financial ties and such. The language and symbolism of implied ownership of another person doesn't bother me in the slightest as long as it goes both ways, and I'd make sure it did. My reluctance to marry is fairly recent, yet I assure you, entirely independent of my own parents split (I utterly abhor the suggestion that it is related on any emotional level - very patronising). This all being said however, I'm rather aware that I may very well meet someone that quite likes the idea of getting married (these kind of people are quite prolific I hear), and I'm fine with that. I'll try to dissuade them from it, and their decision following this may very well decide where the relationship is going, but if it's make or break (and if I decide I'd rather make) then I'm not really all that opposed to the idea.
It's wonderful to think how much my friends right now seem like such a sturdy constant. I'm still a very close friend with Conor, a close friend from Primary school. My core group of friends, four years later, are still pretty much the exact core group I had in secondary school. That's pretty uncommon, right? Especially when I think how good I am at making new friends (I do appreciate this particular ability). I have a funny image in my head that my social life will be remarkably similar to the one I have right now. To assimilate the image of family life and social life.... I don't think I'd have too much of a problem. Certainly, I won't (and quite adamantly so) follow my Dad's example of only ever meeting friends once a week at the local pub (that was when I was young, his present lack of social life terrifies me). Nah, I've nothing to worry about here. I'm going to be a very social 41 year old, and people will surely be naming babies after me around about this time - 'Gordon' will surge in popularity.
Careerwise, who knows? I honestly have no idea, neither do I have any real intentions - I have absolutely no serious aspirations to any particular job title. It does however look like I'm headed for a career in the operational side of the entertainment or cultural sector. Working at the Byre has been a fascinating experience. As an usher, I've seen more plays in one year than a lot of people have seen in their entire lifetime. That's a basic pay job (ha, 'job') and I've got an opinion on an art-form that a lot of people can only bullshit about. As a manager, I've become (apparently noticeably) a far more confident person, and my people skills have come on leaps and bounds. Common sense goes miles farther than any academically-gradeable skill, so I've got to thank my lucky stars for that. As part of the box office team, I've learnt that a desk job (with really rather boring tasks to perform) can be one of the best jobs possible as long as you've got the right people around you. Fuck me, when I leave the Byre, I'm going to miss a lot of people.
I've not given a straight answer on the career front. Honestly, I'd be pretty damned happy if I was running a little cafe that played old movies every evening. Or CEO of the Byre. Or producer for my brother's next film. Or children's animation workshop tutor. Something like that.
5 comments:
I like the pictures of you as an old guy - creepily realistic. I enjoyed the fact that in your answer to question 4 you focus on the stuff that actually matters and left the question of a career till the end - I find it kind of deppressing when people think of their career as what defines them, even if their job really kicks ass.
I also agree that it's odd that our group has remianed unwaveringly close when so many others seem to drift apart. I put that down to the kind of dynamic we have, as well as the fact that we didn't just hang out at parties. As far as the future of that is concerned, I can honestly say that nothing is more important to me when I think about the future than keeping our group together, even if we only see each other once or twice a year. Only we can make that happen though, so I suggest we make it so.
how did you make yourself look old..... it scares me!
good answers! i'm glad you guys are still all friends, that gives me hope for the rest of the world... :)
liking the old man photos though you look more than 41! (unless you've aged significantly since i last saw you and are going to be a prematurely old man...)
Woah, permission to update this post?
I totally just had a religious experience just there.
Woah yeah.
RE The friend thing and how your core friends have remained the same?
It's right now, at a time of great change and unrest in my life that I have found myself being sought out by friends I went to Primary School with. We may not have remained friends for all these years, but we're slotting back into place in such a way that makes me greatful. x
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